Thursday, September 24, 2009

Making New Friends

Everyone I'd like you to give a warm welcome to our new house guest, Doris. Doris is a mantis who joins us from The Outdoors where she enjoys full moons, tall trees and flying insects who think they're tough.

While vacationing at Casa Spooner Resort & Spa Doris will be partaking in the frequent all-you-can eat insect buffets, courtesy of living on a very wooded lot. She will spend her time between buffets meditating and in reflective prayer. She's a very quiet and peaceful house guest. She also does not charge for her pest control services, which is quite handy in this strained economy.

Just between you and me though, Doris is not the perfect house guest. Often times I come home from work and Doris is nowhere to be found. I just can't abide by guests who hide from their hosts. Some find this practice humorous but really, it's just tacky. Most of the time when she does make her presence known it's startling, almost like she's sneaking up on me. Rather off putting from one's guests, don't you think?

Sometimes I'm scared to walk by her because I feel like she wants to jump on me. She's rather unpredictable like that. A Wild Card some would call her. I've tried explaining that she should not jump on me because I just don't swing that way but her English is terrible.

Doris is also a tad rude in that she's made no indication how long she'll be staying with us. You know what they say about house guests and raw fish don't you? That saying isn't cliche for nothing.

I'm hopeful that we can soon settle into a comfortable routine and all expand our horizons and learn from one another. Mostly I'm hopeful for this because I'm too scared to mess with a 5 inch long bug that jumps around a lot. I admit my naturalist tendencies do not extend to the insect world.

No matter how many google links tell me a mantis feels quite nice on your arm, I will not be personally escorting Doris back to The Outdoors. I'm sure Brad will have his own opinions on the situation when he returns from Charlotte tomorrow. He's not afraid of bugs and may put a rather abrupt ending to her visit. If that's the case, then good luck to you Doris. It's been lovely.


FunnyGirl said...

best blog post ever! love it!

amygunther said...

Hilarious. And by the way, Doris is huge. Does she have her own zip code. I hope that Brad has success in helping to relocate Doris to a more buggy part of the great outdoors.

Anonymous said...

this Doris piece was hilarious! Sure you haven't missed your calling as a writer? Or a comedian? Have tried to call you--know you are busy. Love Hope